Why can’t I just feel good, and keep feeling good. I feel good, then it stops all of a sudden. It’s usually because something distracts me. But then you go and text me. I’m trying to forget you! I know it’s impossible, but I’m trying so hard. The sad thing is, I don’t ever want to. I want to have that hope that it’s not gone. That you’re still here. That is what’s killing me. That little sliver of hope that you still love me. That somehow I can fix this. I’ll sit here thinking about how we were and I try to imagine it happening again and how much better it would be now that I’m not a mess. I get so caught up in that thought that I think it’s really happening. Then, I get that awful shock that it’s gone. It’s over. You’re over. You’ve moved on. And I’m stuck here. I’m stuck in what seems like an empty fucking hole filled with you. My meds make everything else so much easier. I don’t have that desperate, clingy feeling anymore. I can look up and not want to end it all right now. You used to be the only thing that made me happy, now you’re the one thing that makes me sad. It sucks. I’m being so damn selfish right now, and I hate that. I hate that I’m thinking of myself. You’re happier now, and I’m thinking about how much I’m not happy without you. I feel good, but I’m not happy. I’m not happy like I was a few months ago. Before things got bad. When I would hangout with you and never quit smiling. I would go home in the best mood, my mom loved that. She loved how happy you make me. Even though now, I promise her that I will never think about you again. She knows. She knows you’re all I think about. She can see it. She hates it. She hates that I told her about you, every day I was so happy. She hates that she can’t fix it. She can’t do anything.
I keep thinking of how fucking much better it would be now. If we were together. I’m so much better and I want you to see that. I don’t want you to love me. I want you to feel like you did all those months ago. You were so happy. You seemed to feel so good. I seemed to be that answer you were looking for. And I ruined it. I hurt you so bad, and all of that is getting thrown right back in my face right now. I just wish you could give me that one chance I need. That beautiful yes.
I tell everyone I don’t want you back. I tell them I’m better now, and it was terrible. I tell them what they want to hear. I tell them not to worry. But I’m thinking it. I’m thinking how every thought turns to you. I’m hoping that it happens to you too. That you think about me. I wish I could read your mind. I wish I could say all the words you want to hear. I wish I knew how to prove to you that I’m okay, that I’m good. That I could make us so much better. Both of us. I could be what we were way back when. I’m so much better now. I can tell you that, but you won’t believe it. You’ll think I’m going crazy from my meds. You think I’m so much better off now. You think that all you did was hurt me. No, you didn’t do that. You didn’t do any of that. You made me happy. You gave me help. I’m better and I want to try again. I want to show you that I can do it. That I can be her again. I can be the girl that was your best friend. The one you had fun with. I won’t be that bitch that annoyed you. That branded, yes branded, you when you were passed out. I won’t be that jealous girl that gets mad when you share one word with another girl. I won’t bother you. I won’t demand your attention. I won’t be HER.
I’ll be that girl that you hooked up with one random night outside Garrett’s at four in the morning. The girl you always thought was pretty, but never said one word to. I’ll be the girl that everyone was shocked to hear that you were with. I’ll be your sister/brother’s best friend. I’ll be the one you call when you’re bored. I won’t be your girlfriend. Neither of us want that. I’ll be her. I’m her again. I want you to know that. I want to tell you that, and I want you to be happy. I want you to not want to date me, but go back to last August, when we had fun. I could do that all over again. I want you to tell me you’ve missed me and everything we had. I want you to forget that night. I want you to feel good. Feel absolutely happy. I want you to go to bed smiling.
But, I won’t tell you any of this. I won’t mention it. I won’t tell you I’ve missed you ever again. You won’t hear one of these words come out of my mouth, ever. I won’t change your mind. Only you can change your own mind. You will never hear me ask to have you back. You will only hear that I’m happy now, and I’m fun. And I’m better. I won’t put this on you. I won’t let you hear this. All of this inside of me will stay there. Until I can be like you. Until I can feel something again, with someone else. I’ll be here, stuck saying:
